Valentine’s Day in the ADD household

As I said the other day, all good plans have interruptions so I have started my Valentine’s Day with a schedule for the day and the week, but have built in some time for things going awry.  I sent my son to pre-school today with a persistent cough, so I expect to receive a call at some point asking me to come get him.  If this does happen, I have other times to do the 10 kablillion items on my list.  If it doesn’t, then I proceed as planned.  This is the only way I know how to accomplish matters when I am not in complete control of my schedule.  The built-in back-ups also prevent me from building up resentments and frustrations with myself and my family.

And speaking of family and resentment . . . Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!  I actually mean that most whole-heartily.  I enjoy this Hallmark holiday because the sentiment is good.  We should celebrate love, all kinds of love.  I remember as a kid waking with excitement on Valentine’s Day because I knew my mom would have a heart-shaped box of delicious Brach’s or Russell Stovers waiting for me with a sweet card on the kitchen table where I sat for breakfast.  I felt loved.  And I enjoyed giving little bags of treasures to my kids this morning.  Tradition begetting tradition.  But, with romantic love – and back to the idea of resentment, or not resenting or taking for granted our special lady or man friends – especially those with ADD, we need to exercise patience and understanding more.  If you can’t do that on Valentine’s Day, then when can you?

My husband was diagnosed with ADD during our first year of marriage, although he probably knew he had it for many years before that.  It took me a while to understand how to maneuver through a relationship with someone who was as scattered and self-deprecating as my husband.  One day, I had an epiphany.  I’m not sure what triggered it, but I will share it with you:  Rick doesn’t try to frustrate me, and it pains him when I get frustrated with him, so I need to be more accepting and stop trying to change him.  Basically, he is who he is so I need to make that work in our relationship.  So, instead of letting his mail pile up for a month and then getting mad at him for not tending to it, I throw out or recycle what I know he won’t read, have him sign what needs signing, and put the rest in his work bag.  This allows me to let go of resentment.  Just like that.  Poof!  Now, we talk through our frustrations instead of letting them mount.  If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I ask him to put the laundry away or take out the recycling instead of waiting for him to get around to it or feeling like a martyr, trying to do everything by myself.  He’s always willing to help, so it’s an easy solution.  Plus, I’m not always the one cleaning up, so no resentment.

Yes, I have ADD too, as we now know.  So, I am equally messy and disorganized.  I’m worse with finances than Rick.  We balance each other with flaws and strong points and try to help one another rather than constantly criticize and nag.  The result: we’re pretty darned happy.  I think this kind of acknowledgment, understanding, and support is essential in any relationship, not just couples with ADD.  What do you think?